The Luggage
by Kernel
Summary: Stargate/ Discworld Crossover. SG-1 encounter The Luggage...


Luggage

* * *

This is my first attempt at fanfic, written a while ago now. It's not as good as my later stuff, but feedback is much appreciated.

**Title: **Luggage  
**Author:** Kernel Jack aka Ali  
**Email:** thekernel@lineone.net  
**Approx. Length: **6400 words (20 pages)  
**Category:** Humour  
**Rating: **U (I think anyway, possibly PG, but I don't think so)  
**Spoilers:** None for Stargate, some for Discworld, only early books though. Not sure which, ones that introduce the luggage.  
**Disclaimer: **All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM,World Gekko Corp., and Double Secret Productions. Discworld characters belong to Terry Pratchett. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. No copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Any insanity caused by reading this story is not the fault of the author. All original ideas and story copyright © Kernel Jack. All rights reserved. Don't post this anywhere without my permission.  
**Season:** Third  
**Summary:** Stargate SG-1 and Discworld crossover. Hey you want to know what happens read the story.

  
As the wormhole closed behind them, SG-1 began to examine their surroundings. It took a few seconds for their eyes to acclimatise to the low level of light, but after a short while they began to see the room that had been visible in the MALP images. 

"Well, it does look like a library," Sam observed. 

"Ya think?" Col. O'Neill muttered under his breath. He glanced across at Daniel, who was excitedly scanning the titles of the books. He was certainly in his element here, although Jack was a little unsure about the wisdom of letting him roam free, like a child in a sweet shop. 

"Just look at all this, new literature, art, history, science, imagine it, we have so many great authors, but with all the other worlds at our disposal, there could be a dozen more Shakespeares! There's so much here in this one room, and it looks like some kind of seldom used back room, there could be much more to this place, this could just be a fraction of what's here." Daniel was becoming more and more excited, and slightly breathless in his wonder. 

"Sir." 

"Yes Major?" 

"Some of these books appear to be chained to the shelves." The rest of the team turned to examine the books she was pointing to and indeed strong metal link chains held them to the shelves. 

Daniel did not seem surprised by the chains. "In many ancient libraries books were chained to shelves." 

"What are they scared the books'll run off?" Jack wisecracked. "Ok, enough speculation, let's see if there's anyone home. Daniel, you and Teal'c check out that way, Sam and I'll go up these stairs. If this is a library there should be some sort of librarian around, or if it's a museum then a curator or something." 

The team separated, Daniel and Teal'c found themselves in another small room much like the first, but lacking a Stargate, whilst Jack and Sam entered a much larger room with numerous shelves of books. 

"Colonel, over there, there seems to be a librarian's desk, perhaps we could find someone." As they approached the desk it became clear that there were no people around, but there was something very strange. Sat at the desk with a book in one hand and a banana in the other was an orang-utan. 

Jack did a double take, Sam blinked several times. 

"Er Colonel?" 

"Curioser and curioser," murmured O'Neill looking shocked. He then appeared to regain control, "For crying out loud, there's a monkey in the library!" 

-------------Passage of unspecified length of time------------------------ 

"Jack" 

"Colonel O'Neill?" 

"Colonel, how many fingers?" 

"What? Where am I? Er, three, what's going on? Why does my head feel like it's been run over by a steam roller?" 

"Apparently the "librarian" took offence to the word you used in reference to him" Sam explained. 

"What word?" 

"The one that's like Simian." Daniel helped. 

"What? Mon.." 

"Don't say it" Sam and Daniel yelled simultaneously. 

"Repeating that word would indeed be an unwise course of action Colonel O'Neill," Teal'c advised. "He appears to be infuriated by it, and he is quite strong and fast." 

"Yeah, you're right about that, all I saw was an orange blur and next thing I know I'm lying on the floor with a major headache." Jack winced. "Can't we just shoot him?" 

Sam was quite shocked at his suggestion. "Sir! I hardly think that's ethical." 

"Who cares about ethics?" 

"Sir!" Sam admonished. 

"Could we sedate him?" Jack queried. 

"There are only two problems with that. One we haven't got any sedatives, and two we haven't got any sedatives, I'm aware that technically that's only one problem, however it's so huge that I thought it was worth mentioning twice." 

Teal'c raised one eyebrow, and Jack looked quizzically at Sam. 

"Anyway, that's irrelevant, because we're pretty sure he's not violent." Sam pressed on. 

"Not violent! Excuse me, have you completely lost your mind? Did you not see what that mon, that, that..." 

"Technically he's an orang-utan." Daniel offered, before wandering off to talk to it. 

"Whatever, did you see what it did to me? Not violent? Tut! He clearly has a tendency to go ape." 

Sam rolled her eyes. "Colonel as we've said he does appear to have a propensity for violence when a certain word is used, but he seems quite passive other than that. I mean he's not hurting Daniel is he?" 

"Er, what exactly is Daniel doing?" 

"I believe Daniel Jackson is attempting to communicate." 

"Communicate? He's a mon..." 

"Ook!" 

"I mean, orang-utan." 

"Well it does seem to understand THAT word, so it shows signs of intelligence, he might have some success," Sam explained. 

"For crying out loud, he's an animal, I know dogs who understand single words, it doesn't mean you can hold an intelligent conversation with them. Remind me to book you all in to see Dr. Fraiser when we get back. I think you've all lost it. I mean, it could just be like that Pavlova dog thing." 

"Pavlov. You know it's Pavlov don't you? You just do that to be irritating, it's not funny." 

"You have no sense of humour. Anyway my point is, maybe someone did something horrible every time they said that word, so he attacks you if you say it." Jack sighed and pulled himself to his feet. "Come on, let's go get Daniel and take a look elsewhere." 

Jack walked warily towards the odd pair, he didn't get too close not wishing to risk another run in with the ape, and beckoned Daniel over for a private talk. "So, how's it going Dr. Doolittle? Made any progress?" 

"Who is Dr. Doolittle?" Teal'c questioned. 

"Later, Teal'c." 

"Well, he seems quite willing to communicate really, to be honest I don't have a clue what he's saying, but he's carrying on anyway, and waving bananas at me. Anyway, shall I go back and talk some more?" 

"No, I don't think so Daniel, I think we can come up with some more productive ways to spend our time on this planet than conversing with apes. Lets go see if there's any more to this place." 

"Oh, all right then." Daniel's face was a mixture of disappointment at having to leave before he had succeeded in understanding his new friend, or at taking a more in depth look at the books, and excitement at what he might find outside the library. 

The team regrouped and walked towards the main door. The librarian didn't seem interested in their departure, he was more involved in his next banana. He hadn't been particularly concerned by their arrival either, perhaps if they weren't bothering him he didn't bother them. 

"I think it's a university," Daniel observed as they examined the rooms outside the library. 

"You could be right Daniel, in which case maybe we should look for some lecturers or students or something." 

"There seems to be a lot of noise coming from that direction." Sam pointed at a large set of double doors. 

Teal'c looked across at the doors. "It looks like some kind of dining hall, perhaps we have arrived at a meal time." 

"Onward then." Jack strode purposefully towards the doors and walked in. Inside were a large number of bearded men wearing what looked like bathrobes and pointy hats, they were seated around a large table heaped with food. 

"Oh, sorry, no one told us it was fancy dress," Jack muttered to no one in particular. Conversation lulled while people looked the team over, but gradually everyone seemed to decide that the interlopers weren't particularly interesting, and turned their attention back to their food and conversations, many of which seemed to be arguments. 

"Reminds me of family Christmas dinners," Jack commented. 

The group attempted to talk to several people, but was summarily ignored, so Jack decided it was not worth staying there any longer. As the team left the dining room they were approached by a man who like the others was wearing a dress like garment and a pointy hat, the only thing which made him appear different was the writing on his hat. Written in glitter was one word, "Wizzard". 

"Who are you?" The man asked scanning their faces. 

Daniel started introducing them. "Hi, I'm Daniel Jackson, this is Col. O'Neill, Major Carter and Teal'c, we come from a place called Earth." 

"Yes, thank you Daniel, I am the one in charge here you know, you could for once let me do my job." 

"Sorry Jack. Go ahead." 

"Yes, well it's like he said, we come in peace." 

"Peace? How can we have come in peace? I mean, come peacefully, sure, but peace is not an object you can come in is it?" 

"Thank you, Daniel, for clarifying that, your pedanticism is so refreshing." 

"Actually, the word is pedantry." 

Jack glared at Daniel, then turned back to the newcomer who had begun to speak. 

"Were you people in the library just now? The librarian seemed pretty agitated." 

"Yes, we were, we didn't see the librarian though, there seems to be a monkey in there." Jack explained. 

"No there isn't." 

"Yes there is, there's a monkey in there eating bananas." 

"Is not" 

"There is, I'm telling you, a monkey. Go see for yourself." 

"I don't need to look, there isn't one of them that you just said." 

"There is a flaming monkey in the library!" Jack was starting to get irritated. 

"Flaming? What like on fire?" 

"Are you trying to be difficult? Do you not understand me? In the library there is a monkey" 

"Look there isn't, will you please stop using that word or the librarian will hear you." 

"Hang on, are you saying the orang-utan IS the librarian?" Daniel asked. 

"Yes, he is, and please stop your friend calling him what he was calling him, I really can't help him if the librarian hears him." 

"Can I ask, how did you get a librarian who is not human?" 

"Well, he wasn't always an orang-utan of course." 

"No, of course not, that'd just be silly." The strain in Jack's voice showed how hard he was trying to refrain from blowing his top. 

"It was an accident you see, he used to be human, but what with all this magic around he somehow got turned into an orang-utan." 

"I see, of course, something that simple." Jack's sarcasm level was rising unsteadily. Daniel interrupted before he could get worse. 

"Can't anyone turn him back?" Daniel asked sounding totally sincere. 

"Well yes, but he likes it better this way, won't let anyone change him back, he finds it much easier to get around the library and everything, he's stronger, basically he's much happier." 

"Of course, how nice for everybody." 

"Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you weren't going to bother him again, it gets very awkward around here when he's in a bad mood." 

"Yes, you have our word, we won't do anything to upset him again." Daniel promised. "We were actually wanting to learn more about this place, would you be able to tell us about it?" 

"Why?" 

"Well, because we aren't from around here, and we like to know more about other people." Daniel explained. 

"What people in Ankh Morpork?" The very idea that anyone would want to know anything about people here seemed to totally confuse him. 

"Is that what this place is called? Then yes, the people of Ankh Morpork, your culture, everything really, we want to learn." 

"No, you've lost me there, I really don't understand why you want to learn anything. Anyway the biggest way most people in Ankh Morpork would help you is to make your pockets lighter for you, and show you the quickest way to the top of the river." 

"The top of the river? Not the bottom?" 

"I don't think it's possible to get to the bottom of the river, the top'll probably kill you quite easily and unpleasantly enough though, or at least make you pretty unwell." 

"I see, well perhaps you could show us around, maybe tell us something about the town." 

"I just told you everything important, avoid The Shades, don't eat anything Cut Me Own Throat Dibbler tries to sell you... Follow this advice and you might last a few minutes longer out there, but my advice is to go back where you came from." 

"Well, he seems really helpful. Maybe we should try to find someone else who's a bit more co-operative." Jack suggested. 

"He's the only one who's agreed to talk to us so far, though." Daniel pointed out. 

"Ok, well we'll talk to him for a bit longer then." 

The wizard was at this point bending over a large trunk and removing a thermos. Why would anyone put a trunk there? Daniel wondered to himself, it looked pretty heavy to be carried around, and he hadn't seen the Wizard carrying it. Daniel walked over and looked at it, it was an interesting shape. He was just leaning over when suddenly somehow he ended up inside it and the lid shut. 

Jack looked a little stunned, as he hadn't thought Daniel could fit in it, then he went over to get him out. "Ok, enough Daniel, open up," he said when he couldn't open the lid himself. 

"Sir, he won't be able to breathe in there, it looks air tight." 

"Yes thank you Major, I realise that, but I can't get it open." He turned to the man "Will you open this and get him out, please?" 

"I don't know, it's not up to me." 

"What do you mean it's not up to you?" 

"Well, it's the luggage you see, he does what he wants." 

"For crying out loud, it's a trunk!" 

"No, luggage." The man explained as if talking to a child who didn't quite understand the complexities of baggage. 

"Look, he's suffocating in there, will you just open it!" 

"Ok, I'll try, but I'm not promising anything." The Wizard knocked on the lid and it opened to reveal a pile of neatly folded sheets, a pair of pyjamas, and a packet of what looked like egg mayonnaise sandwiches. 

"Where is he?" Jack exclaimed. 

"I don't know." 

"What do you mean you don't know. He went in there, where is he now." 

"Things go in, things come out, I have no say over which come out, sometimes they do, sometimes they don't, that is the way of things, the way of the luggage. You learn to cope, expect the unexpected." 

"Excuse me. Are you telling me he's lost, inside a piece of wood? This is ridiculous, obviously he's in here somewhere. And anyway how do you expect the unexpected, by it's very definition it is not expected, if you expect it it ceases to be the unexpected." Jack started rooting around inside the luggage, but all he could see was clothes, and the bottom of the chest. 

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, he doesn't like to be interfered with." The man advised, but too late for Jack to avoid getting a nasty bite. 

"I just got bitten by a trunk?!" 

"You're fortunate, he could have done a lot more damage." 

"This is insane, first there's an orang-utan running the library, then luggage that eats people." The Wizard started to leave, Jack was not having that. "Where're you going? You can't just leave, my friend is inside your luggage." 

"He's not my luggage." 

"What do you mean, it's not you're luggage? Aren't those your things inside it?" 

"Well, yes, but since he's following me around I might as well make use of him." 

"But how do you get what you want out if it just disappears inside it?" 

"Well I just knock, usually he lets me have what I want." 

"Well, can't you knock and get my friend out?" 

"Oh, no, I can't do that." 

"Why not?" Jack fumed exasperated! 

"Well, people he's eaten are another matter entirely. I didn't put them in, he chose to eat them, for all I know your friend could be dead." 

"But, he could be alive?" 

"I don't know, people don't usually come out again." 

Jack had had just about enough at this point. He grabbed the guy by his robe and pulled his face close menacingly. "Listen buddy, you'd better..." 

Jack was interrupted by the luggage, which had stood up on hundreds of little feet, and positioned itself between the two of them. He was growling at Jack and looking pretty menacing, he seemed about to pounce. Jack let go of the man, and stared at the luggage in shock. Up until now he had not believed a word of it, he hadn't known exactly what had happened, but figured the box was some sort of magician's trunk and Daniel had been taken using some sort of sleight of hand. The lid could have been operated by some sort of remote mechanism. But this, this was something else, it would take technology far beyond anything he'd ever seen to create such realistic movement, and feet on an inanimate object. Either that or he was dreaming. Cautiously he backed off. 

"Tell me I'm dreaming." 

"I, I don't know what to say Sir." 

"Sapient Pearwood." 

The two looked at Teal'c as if he was speaking Greek. 

"What are you talking about Teal'c?" 

"There is a myth amongst my people, it concerns a type of wood which possesses intelligence, it is sapient, items made from it are living, thinking objects." 

"You're kidding me?" 

"No, until now it was believed to simply be a story told to children. They say that the place the wood comes from is a world of magic, where wizards are a reality and science is a myth." 

"Excuse me Teal'c, it's not like you to believe something like that, I mean that's just total fantasy." Jack pointed out. 

"I did not believe it of course, but seeing this there are a limited number of conclusions one can reach other than that Sapient Pearwood does indeed exist. Just because that part is true does not mean that the world is flat and carried on the backs of four elephants who in turn ride on the back of a giant turtle "Atoon." 

"Atuin" The wizard corrected. 

"You believe that?" Jack asked incredulously. 

"Of course, why wouldn't I? Besides I know it's true, I fell off the rim once, saw it with my own eyes." 

"Really, What's your name?" 

"Rincewind." 

"Right then Rincewind, pleased to meet you, I'll be sure to remember your name when I recommend your committal." 

"What strange people," Rincewind observed, and walked towards the main entrance. The luggage ambled after him. 

"What are we going to do Colonel?" Sam looked to him to take charge. 

"There's only one thing we can do. If Jackson's in that thing we have to follow and try to get him back. I think our best bet is to take the luggage by force if necessary, through the Stargate, and work out a way to extricate Daniel from it once we're back home." 

"It may not be that easy Sir," Sam protested. "What if it doesn't want to come?" 

"It's a trunk Major, we pick it up and carry it." 

"It's more like some kind of vicious Rottweiler Sir, we could have a fight on our hands," Sam pressed. 

"Well we'll deal with that later, now we're losing them, after him." 

The team rushed out of the door, following Rincewind out of the university gates, and along some streets into what appeared to be the town centre. 

Rincewind soon became irritated by their presence. "Can't you go home and stop following me?" 

"We aren't going anywhere without our friend." 

"I've told you I can't give him to you." 

"Well, we'll just keep you company till you can." Jack said firmly. 

After a short while Jack told Sam and Teal'c to separate from him, and together take a look around the city talking to anyone they met. They arranged to meet up later. Jack would remain with Rincewind. 

The two split off, and started asking people questions. They set many people thinking about the past, magic, science and the future. 

Jack remained with the wizard, who seemed to be looking for some strange objects, muttering something about mouse blood, sticks, a vile stench, and glitter. 

"Look how about if I buy the luggage off you? Surely there's something you'd like in exchange?" 

"I told you, he's not mine, he just follows me." 

"Ok, so how about if I just took him?" 

"Well I don't think that's a good idea, he pretty much goes where he likes. Besides I don't think he likes you. Anyway, it'll be inconvenient for me, I'd have to carry my things." 

"I'll compensate you." 

"Oh, that's good, still I don't think he'll go." 

"So how do I get my friend back?" 

"I really don't understand why you keep moaning about your friend. You're all right aren't you? Forget your friend." 

"I can't just forget him." 

"Why not?" 

"What's the matter with you? Don't you have friends? Don't you think of anyone but yourself." 

"What good does that do? It just makes life more complicated, looking after yourself is hard enough let alone worrying about everyone else." 

"A very commendable attitude." 

"Thank you." 

"That was sarcasm." 

"Oh. Anyway, I understand how you feel, if I could help you I would, but there really is nothing I can do. If the luggage wants to go with you that's fine by me, but I can't make him go, and I can't help you more than that." 

"Ok, well thank you, at least it's a start." 

"Yeah, well anything to get rid of you, you're a very annoying person you know." 

"Thanks a lot." 

At this point Teal'c and Sam met up with them again having basically walked in one large circle interviewing people on the way. They reported their complete lack of success to Jack, although they said some people had been quite interested in what they had to say. They had also bought a rather fowl looking sausage in a bun from Cut Me Own Throat Dibbler, buying it was the only way they could get him to talk to them. They decided that it would be inadvisable to eat it, however Sam thought that it might be a good idea to take it back with them for study, as from the basic tests she had run on it, she had discovered that it possessed at least 67 strains of bacteria. Many of which could be totally new. 

The team were still following Rincewind, discussing their somewhat non-existent plans, when they were approached by two rather odd looking men. The tallest addressed them. "You must be the strangers who've appeared asking questions." 

Rincewind quickly spoke to the man. "Ahh, Corporal Carrot, I assure you I have nothing to do with these people, if they've been causing trouble it's totally not to do with me." 

"I see, thank you Rincewind." 

The Corporal turned back to SG-1. "You're arrival has caused mass writing." 

"Rioting?" 

"No, writing, there's always mass rioting, that we can cope with, but now there's mass writing." 

"Writing? You're worried about writing?" 

"I don't think you realise the gravity of this situation." 

"Oh, I'm sorry, of course, writing, it's terrible." 

"It's ridiculous. People are writing on any available surface, doors, floors, food, all are being covered with writing, and it's getting very annoying. I want you to stop whatever it is you've been doing." 

"I really have no idea what you're talking about, what exactly are the people writing?" 

"Anything and everything, I mean it's just not right. Half the people in this town can't read, those that can are showing them up aren't they? That's just not fair. It has got to stop. I mean what if they start writing obscenities?" 

"Are they writing obscenities?" 

"Well, I don't know, it's difficult to tell, a lot of the writing is badly written." 

"I see, well, I'm awfully sorry about that." 

"Well, what are you going to do about it?" 

"Me, why should I do anything about it?" 

"It's your fault." 

"How is it my fault? In what way can this possibly be *my* fault?!" 

"Well... Well... Nobby?" 

"Er... They said they spoke to you, and then they felt they had to write." 

"So that's their fault isn't it, for not suppressing the urge." 

"He has a point there." 

"Yes, so why not go arrest someone who's actually doing something wrong?" 

"Well, I guess we could do that. But you're here, you're closer, and there's less of you, so it'd be much less effort and easier all round if you just came along quietly and took responsibility." 

"Yes, but slightly unfair considering we haven't actually done anything wrong." 

"What have you done?" 

"Nothing, nothing at all." 

"That's loitering." 

"This is ridiculous, will you just leave us alone. This entire place is insane." 

"Yes, of course it is, didn't you even know that? I knew that since I was four." 

"Thank you, that's so helpful. Look can we go?" 

"Yeah, all right, I guess so, but stop making people write." 

"Ok, we'll try." 

"Thank you." 

The men left, leaving SG-1 shaking their heads in confusion. "The sooner we get out of this place the happier I'll be. We have been to some strange places before, but this place is just plain weird," Jack voiced the thoughts of the others. 

"Who were they?" 

"Well the short guy was Nobby, the taller one was Corporal Carrot, the Dwarf. They're members of the city watch." 

"Run that one by me again a minute, the tall one was a Dwarf?" 

"Yes, Corporal Carrot, Dwarf. Why?" 

"Can you hear what you're saying?" 

"Of course. You seem to be the one having difficulty." 

"How can he be a Dwarf? Dwarves are small." 

"Don't let him hear you say that, that's heightism." 

"Heightism!! It's a fact! That's what makes a person a Dwarf, their height, shortness is the defining characteristic of a Dwarf." 

"I wouldn't know about that, all I know is that Carrot is a Dwarf, he's very sensitive about his height too so don't mention it." 

"This is ridiculous? How can a Dwarf be tall?" 

"Well we think he may be adopted." 

"I see." 

"But adopted or not, he's still a Dwarf." 

"Of course, well at least they didn't insist we go with them, they could have made things a lot more difficult." 

"Yes, there is that, they let us go quite easily really." 

The group was now walking back in the direction of the university. 

"Sir, I've been thinking." 

"Yes Sam." 

"Well, it's going to be very difficult to get the luggage through the Stargate." 

"Tell me something I don't know." 

"If you'd just let me finish!" 

"Sorry Major." 

"Thank you, as I was saying, it'll be difficult to get the luggage through the Stargate, yet that would seem to be the easiest thing to allow us to get Daniel back. However if we could somehow persuade Rincewind to come through the Stargate with us, then the luggage would probably follow him like it always does, and we wouldn't have the problem." 

"That might actually work!" 

"Don't sound so surprised, Sir, it's usually my suggestions which get us all out of trouble." 

"Er, yes, sorry Major." 

"Ok, so how do we persuade Rincewind to come with us?" 

"I can hear you, you know, I'm not deaf, and I'm not stupid either, you think I'm going to walk through that gate you've got another think coming." 

"It's perfectly safe, and we'd send you straight back." 

"Forget it, I'm not stupid." 

"Look what are you afraid of?" 

"You want a list?" 

"It's an adventure!" 

"I've had enough adventures to last me a life time, I hate adventures, I just want a nice quiet life with no hassle, I don't want to step through some weird vortex thing to be transported to some adventure filled place miles from home." 

"But how will you have a quiet life if I'm always following you." 

"What?" 

"Well, I'm not going anywhere without my friend. I'm remarkably persistent you know, imagine spending the rest of your life with me." 

"You wouldn't... You'd get bored." 

"Maybe, eventually, but not for a very long time I assure you, I could pass the time by singing." 

"That's ok, I like singing. #A wizard's staff has a knob on the end...#" 

"Not his singing you won't." 

"Thanks a lot Sam!" 

"I was just being honest sir." 

"Yeah, well next time keep your honesty to yourself." 

"I didn't realise you'd be so offended Colonel, I do apologise." 

"Anyway my singing is not the issue here, the point is we need to take him back with us. What would it take to make you come with us?" 

"You don't have anything I want." 

"There must be something." 

"Nope." 

"Money, clothes, food, books, anything." 

"Nothing you've got." 

"This is ridiculous, we aren't getting anywhere. Look there really is nothing to be worried about, I mean we came through the gate and we're ok aren't we?" 

"How do I know you came through the gate? I didn't see you." 

"Well, where else could we have come from?" 

"A time portal." 

"Oh for crying out loud, don't be so ridiculous." 

"What's ridiculous about that, it's more sensible than you coming from a planet on the other side of the galaxy which is round. I mean, how could a planet be round, you must think I was born yesterday, everything would fall off, and what keeps it up anyway, it wouldn't be supported on anything." 

"Round makes a lot more sense than being on horses and toads." 

"Elephants and a tortoise." 

"Oh, I'm sorry, that's so much more sensible, of course, horses and toads would just be silly wouldn't it? How stupid of me." 

"Colonel, I don't think antagonising him is going to help the situation." 

"Oh you don't do you? I see, well thank you so much for your input Major." 

"Look, I can see you're getting irritated, it doesn't help anyone when you're like this, why don't you have a break and walk with Teal'c?" 

"What, so you can sort the situation out as usual?" 

"No, I just thought you might like a break, all the negotiating can be quite a strain, I know." 

"Fine, you talk to the man, see if you can talk some sense into him, it's like talking to a brick wall." 

Sam began talking to Rincewind. Unlike Jack she was calm and collected, and annoyingly she talked too quietly for him to hear, but he saw them both smile occasionally and noticed Rincewind look over his shoulder at him from time to time. 

"What is she saying Teal'c?" 

"I do not know Colonel O'Neill, and it would be inappropriate to eavesdrop on the conversation." 

"Thanks Teal'c, you're so co-operative." 

Jack managed to overhear the tail end of their conversation. 

"So, you want us to stop following you, and we want our friend back, I mean this could go on forever, but you can see he's stubborn can't you? He won't give up, so you might as well just co-operate now and it'll be a whole lot easier than waiting and being driven crazy by him," Sam concluded. 

"Ok, you have me convinced, I'll do it, but only because you asked." 

"Thank you." 

"I see you worked your usual charm then Sam." 

The team entered the university and walked straight to the library, the librarian barely looked up from his book as they proceeded towards the room that housed the Stargate. As they walked past some of the chained books Jack got slightly closer than any of them had before and one of them started snarling and attempting to leap off the shelf and bite him. 

"Please be careful Colonel Jack O'Neill, these books are chained for your safety, but if you get too close there's nothing anyone can do to help you." 

"The books have teeth!!! I think I must have seen just about everything now." 

Fortunately they had left before a bony figure in a black cowl appeared and said. "DARN I MISSED THEM." That could have driven Jack over the edge. 

The iris closed behind them, and General Hammond approached them. "Colonel O'Neill, where is Dr. Jackson, and who is this man?" 

"Long story General, hopefully if we can just get him out..." Jack faltered as he realised that the luggage was not with them. "Where, where's it gone? I saw it go through the wormhole." 

"Whenever I travel I find that luggage tends to end up at left luggage offices." Rincewind suggested. 

"We don't have a left luggage office." 

"Are you sure? Usually things seem to end up in one after I travel." 

"Maybe so, but this isn't a train station. There is no left luggage office." 

"Colonel, we could whistle." 

"What like you whistle to a dog so it'll come running?" 

"No, whistle and then listen for the noise." 

"What?" 

"Well wasn't Daniel carrying that keyring you gave him so he wouldn't lose his keys? The one you bought to drive the rest of us crazy, that makes that really annoying noise when you whistle, or talk in a high pitched voice, or play CDs." 

"Of course, I'm glad I got him that, well, it's a plan. Not a very good plan, but it's a plan. Ok gang lets split up and go whistling." 

"Colonel O'Neill." 

"Yes Teal'c." 

"I am afraid that I cannot comply." 

"What? Don't tell me you can't whistle." 

"That is correct." 

"Oh for... Ok so stick with Carter, it won't take that much longer. Hopefully it won't be too far away." 

In fact they had not even separated when their whistling produced results, they had just left the gate room whistling when they heard a faint response just down a corridor. They followed and found a room that none of them recognised, on the door it proclaimed in bold letters "Left Luggage." Although none of them remembered seeing the room before, it somehow seemed like it had always been there. Jack pushed open the door and they found themselves in a room not much bigger than a store cupboard, filled with umbrellas. In the centre of the room was an old battered suitcase from which emanated a beeping noise when they whistled, and inside something struggled to get out. Jack rushed forward and opened the fairly small suitcase to reveal a rather cramped Daniel. 

"Wh... What happened? It all disappeared. Where'd it all go?" 

"Where'd what go Daniel? What are you talking about? We thought we'd lost you, you got eaten by the luggage, we finally managed to bring you back through the Stargate and it turned into this suitcase." 

"Oh the humanity of it all!" 

"What Daniel?" 

"Everything's lost!" 

"What are you talking about?!" 

"Inside, it was a whole universe, the things in there, they were amazing, now where are they? It's all lost." 

"A universe? Are you kidding me?" 

"Think about it Jack I mean with all the things we've seen today can you really say that what he's saying is impossible?" 

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Due to a clerical error the ending to this story does not exist, normal service will resume shortly. Thank you for your co-operation. 

The End 

Ok ok, I will end it, not that I have a good ending, but here we go: 

Ok, well Rincewind filled the suitcase with lots of Carter's drawings to start the Discworld's first modern art gallery, and some baseball caps O'Neill gave him for CMOT Dibbler to sell at exorbitant prices. However once he got back through the Stargate the suitcase was transformed back into the luggage, and its contents had returned to their usual state. It seems that the luggage and its contents being magical in nature, required the high levels of Octarine present on the Discworld, and could not exist on Earth. Of course this means that the art gallery was not built, and the baseball caps were not sold, in fact life on the Disk barely noticed that the visitors had been there at all, the mass writing ended fairly quickly and the next fad began. 

Daniel was disappointed at being dragged away from the vast wealth of new information and cultures he had discovered, but he soon settled back down to the normal routine of life, and had brought back some knowledge, so all was not lost. He was happy to know that the universe in the luggage had not been lost, but had returned once back on Discworld. 

See it wasn't worth it was it, I should have not done the ending, endings are too difficult, oh well, write your own ending, or don't bother and just forget this story ever existed. 

The Real End


End file.
